A Brand New

Dear Blog,

I stumbled across one of my friend yesterday. Actually my friend's little brother. And guess what... Ade ke die kate aku gemok? WTH??!! Okay... Maybe aku nih tembam sket... Tapi tak gemok ek. But still ape yg die ckp tu terngiang-ngiang kat kepale aku.... Wuwuwuuuuu... Aku tak gemok la. "Membesar" sket ade la. Nih sume sebab kat kolej la nih. Almost every night I eat at least two times. Two times tau tak... And berat semakin bertambah.

Tak tau la. But lately I eat when I feel frust or depress. Solving problem with eating. That's a nice way!! And look what happen to me now. Balik cuti je sume ckp aku da gemok. Pipi tembam la, perut besar la, tangan cam batang pisang la... Ish... Satu sem berat naik 7 kilo... Kire ok la tu.. Tu pon berat skarang nih blom capai BMI. Jauh bebeno...

Makan... Bile aku teringat die aku akan rase kecewa and frust and aku akan makan. Camne nih. I still can't forget her. Everyday I keep thinking about her.

Hmm... It's getting more complicated. The more I try to forget her the more I keep thinking about her. Dah tak tau nak buat ape lg dah ni.. Ape yg aku bleh buat is just keep living. Teruskan hidup..

Result dah kuar and Alhamdulillah pointer naik la sket. Sket je tak byk. That's not the best. I expect dapat tinggi lg but dah dpt camni nak ubah camne lg... Kene la struggle lagi sem depan. Dah la Quantum Physics ngan Electomegnetic killer subject. Waaaa.... Ngan result camni camne la nk survive... Nak sambung Master pon rase susah...

But now this is me. A little bit chubby. A brand new me. Maybe cuti nih berat susut sket kot. Tapi takpe la.. Lain dari aku yg dulu... Physically different but mentally the same. I think... Especially when it comes to You Know Who~

May You Always Feel Loved

Dear Blog,

I dunno what to write.

Tapi yg penting....

I WANNA GET OUT!! GET OUT FROM THIS MESS!!
AKU NAK KELUAR DARI DUNIA FANTASI CIPTAAN SENDIRI!~ AAAA....

Aku nk keluar dari Malaysia! Nk pergi ke suatu tempat yg takde sape yg kenal. A place that can makes me happy.

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May You Always Feel Loved

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world
You may not always understand.

May the pain you have known and conflict you have experienced
Give you the strength to walk through life
Facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those whose love and understanding
Will always be there, even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others
To believe in a world of peace.

May a kind word, a reassuring touch, a warm smile be yours
Every day of your life,
And may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who know hate,
And let that love embrace you as you go into the world.

May the teaching of those you admire become part of you,
So that you may call upon them.
Remember, those whose lives you have touched
And who have touched yours are always a part of you,
Even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.
It is the content of the encounter that is more important than it's form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters,
But instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart.

Find time in each day to see the beauty and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities,
But each of us is different in our own way.
What you may feel you lack in one regard
May be more than compensated for in another.
What you feel you lack in the present
May become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility.
Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself,
And not be dependent on another's judgement of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved.


-1987 Sandra Sturtz Hauss-

Maybe They're Suppose To Be There

Dear Blog,

Thank God internet OK balik. Coz time balik sini dapat tau yg server UM down. So, I have to wait until now. But it's ok. You know Blog, aku dalam dilema skang. I'm in confuse state. Should or shouldn't I let her go. I mean should I forget her? And what about this new one? Owh, lupe lak. This one I get from my senior's blog.

"If You Can't Get Someone Out from Your Head, Maybe They are Supposed To Be THERE"

how many of you agree with this statement???

for me, mungkin betul kot... tapi depends gak...Kadang2 keegoan kita yang menghalang dia terhapus dr ingatan..... tapi ada juga kebenaran yang jelas... if we really don't need or love him/her anymore why cant we just forget about him/her???

...... xmple paling mudah : Ivy sangat cintakan Nigel...Tapi Nigel dah hilang rasa kasih dekat Ivy ..Plus dorg dah duduk jauh and Nigel dah jumpa Gurl baru.Nigel sgt berusaha utk melarikan diri dari Ivy.... Bukan Ivy tak tahu or faham yg Nigel taknak dia....Tapi cinta dan sayang tu tak pernah hilang dan masih ada.... She still tak giveup utk bersama Nigel...Nigel still ada dlm ingatan dan Hati Ivy...walaupun dorg dah 3years tak jumpa dan tak bersama.... Ivy pernah cuba utk lupa kan kisah cinta lama dia....Ivy always pray to god supaya tarik rasa kasih terhadap Nigel if He is really not 'The ONE'..... but still sampai skang Nigel still da king of her HEart.... so why? memang patut Nigel ada dlm kepala otak Ivy ke?

for me sepatutnya Ivy cari dunia baru dia....jgn stuck dgn kisah silam lagi....tp soal hati dan perasaan tak semudah bermain dgn perkataan.... ramai org terperangkp dlm permainan cinta tak kesampaian... ramai org jugak yg masih menjadi pemburu cinta....

xmple:
Sophia buru cinta-->Josh..Josh memburu Cinta ---> Ivy... Ivy buru cinta--->Nigel...Nigel Happy with Susan....

see the chain??? apakah maknanya itu? tak boleh ke Ivy kasi peluang kat Josh?? atau Josh kasi peluang dkt Sophia?? but we must remember one thing.... Jangan cinta org kerana simpati.....

i guess Sophia,Josh and Ivy or semua org yg berhadapan dgn masalah mcm nie actually kena just keep ur option open.... bukak minda dan hati.....beri sedikit ruang utk mengenali org sekeliling... there is still mr.rite or mrs.rite for u all....

Hmm... Actually ape yg die ckp ade gak kene mengena ngan aku. Like Ivy. But not exactly the same as the story la. But still, if I read it back, rase cam some part of the story really happen to me.

Berbalik kepada tujuan asal. I am very confuse. I can't get You Know Who out of my head. I just can't. Even aku rapat camne ngan seseorang pon tak dapat gak. Camne ni Blog? Aku betul betul dalam dilema.

Like I said last post, I've met someone already. But ape gune aku rapat ngan die, katelah her name is N. Ok, ape gune aku rapat ngan N tp aku still teringat kat You Know Who? Aku taknak jadikan N sbg tempat untuk melupakan You Know Who. Walau ape cara sekalipun aku buat, I just can't get her out of my head. Aku rase cam I'm using N untuk kepentingan aku sendiri. Am I that mean person? Aku cuba lari tp it keep chasing after me.

Then I ask my senior for her advices. Die ckp tak adil kalo kite rapat ngan seseorang semata mata untuk melupakan yang lama. Betul gak. Tak adil. So, die ade suggest something. And bile aku fikirkan suggestion tu, masuk akal gak. Coz kalo aku simpan bende nih, bleh jadi gila dibuatnya. I have plans and I won't tell you. Just nak bgtau, after this plan successfull then baru aku rase I can begin a new life.

I'm really not into any relationship right now. I can't. I'm not ready yet.

To N, I'm sorry if this writing hurt you. I'm really sorry but I'm not into any relationship right now. Just not ready to face the truth. The truth that I still remember her. The truth that I can't forget her. We can be friends or best friends but at this time not more than that. I hope you will understand.

Maybe she suppose to be in my heart. Maybe....~

A True Feeling

Dear Blog,

Today I'm gonna write rojak2. Hahaha... Dah malas la nk buat dlm Inggeris je... It's really tiring! But I just wanna tell you that I've began a new life now. Not that dah completely lupakan die, she's still in my heart. But I began to... hmm... camne nk cakap ek? Dah tak selalu ingat kat die lagi. Still ingat tapi tak selalu. Paham tak? Sori la... Tulis pukul 2 pagi nih memang kepala tengah mamai. Huhuhu. Dah tak tau nak fikir ape lg.

Oh yeah. Forgot to tell you. I've met someone. She's very nice to me. And I begin to like her! Hahaha... Tak tau la die fikir camne. But now I'm trying to get close to her. Weird. Never done this before. It's really awkward.

I've met her in one occasion. Occasion? Senang cerita pada suatu peristiwa. Cewah. At first macam takde apape. But then, tak tau camne, it was like I'm nice to her. Nice? Lebih kurang camtu la. And then after that kitorang macam rapat. Still sampai skarang.

I'm not expect bende nih too much. Just at the beginning ni hanya kawan rapat je kot. Not taking risk to hope too much. And I'm still learning to love someone. Kalau tak dapat pon just maybe takde rezeki. Tapi kalau ade peluang, I would like to take this relationship to another stage. Insya-Allah.

Tak tau what she's thinking about me. Maybe just kawan biase je kot or maybe else. Tak tau la. Tapi yang penting that I will try to get close to her, try to be nice to her and apape lagi la yang berkaitan. Tak dapat.. Takde rezeki la. Takpon cari lain. Hahaha.... senangnye ko cakap Shamim... Yang penting skarang ni pelajaran! And her. Hehehe~

Life is what you make it
It's all up to you
If you choose to make the best of it
Your every dream will come true
Hard work is not easy
But at the end it will pay off
So do what you want in life
Because you can and you will succeed!!!

Love Like You've Never Been Hurt

Dear Blog,

I feel very lonely right now. Very lonely. I need someone to speak to. My friend? He’s already gone to overseas. I don't know who else to speak, so can I share my problem with you?

I feel like I'm alone in this very world. I envy with other people. They can live happily. Why can I? Why? I tried to live exactly as I want to. But I feel like something missing. Yeah, that missing thing is a person. The person that I like from the first I look at her. The person that stole my heart. The person that I always think of each and everyday.

I just don't know what to say. I like her. I really like her. I really really like her. I never feel like this before. Like in Ugly Betty "If you really like someone, your palm will sweat and your heart will beat faster every time you see her". That's what happens to me. Every time I see her, every time I heard her name, it makes my heart beating faster. Coz I've never been in love before. This is my first time. I don't know whether this is love or something else.

Unfortunately, she has someone already. Yeah, that's true. The moment I know, I felt like this is the end of the world. I've never been like this before. I felt like I'm going to cry. It took me about a week to recover. Within that whole week I tried to comfort myself. I asked for my friend advice. "Lives must go on," he said.

I know that just before I'm going to tell her that I like her. Silly isn't it? I never tell her that I like her. I keep this feeling quite long. And just before I was ready to tell her, this news comes unexpected. I felt very sad.

I can remember when the first time she came across in front of me, my eyes fixed on her back then. That time I don't know what that feeling was. I kept looking at her. Then after quite sometime, I realized that the feeling is not just a feeling of a friend, but more than that. I don't know what to say, but when I see her, it makes me smile. Like whatever problem I have went away when I see her. The moment like she already steal my heart.

Why I don't just tell her at first? Well, what do you expect me to do? Surprise her and say "I like you". Like that? Hahaha. You don't know me I think. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not that kind of boys that when they feel like they like a girl, they just say and express it. I'm not that very social person. Besides, I came from religious school. The school that taught me the limits between boys and girls. I have my dignity and ego. That ego that turn to betray on me. The ego that keep forcing me to wait. And I wait. Why I don't tell her at first? Shame I think. Afraid. Thinking that it will humiliate me. I've never been good at conversation. With boys and also girls. That's why some people say I'm quiet. And some says I'm very arrogant. It's hard to see me smile to strangers or friends that not really close to me. So, that's why I don't tell her. Afraid. Afraid of myself. I'm not confident. I have many chances to say to her. But I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I become speechless. Numb.

Special case. That's what I call.

After that, I tried to live as good as I can. I tried to forget her. I tried to erase anything that relates to her. I tried to console myself. I tried to persuade my heart saying that it's ok. She's got someone already. As long as she happy, you will be happy too. Trying to take back that 'stolen' heart. I can't! What a stupid me. I can never forget her. No matter how hard I try to forget her, no matter how hard I try to make myself busy with something, I just can't stop thinking about her. Every time I always remember her. Every minutes. Every seconds.

"Go on. Live. Lives must go on."

I don't know why. There are so many girls here but she is so special. Not that I'm not trying to be close to another girl so that I can forget her. But when I try to be nice to them, my heart keeps refusing. What about her? Argh... I think I'm crazy. I try to forget her but I can't. Can you help me Blog? The more I'm thinking of her the more I miss her the more I'm crazy about her. What would I do? Confess to her even though she has someone already?

I envy with my friends. I envy them. When they hurt or break up with someone, they always recover very quickly. Find new life, new person. But I can't. Why? Having someone special with me is that hard? Even harder than the hardest thing in the world. I really need someone to be with me. Someone who I can share my problems. Someone that I can jokes around. Someone who can cheer me up when I feel sad. Someone who I'm proud to say to everyone. "She is very special to me."

I feel very sad. Why this happen to me? Why I can't forget her? Why I can't easily fall in love? Why it is so hard for me to love somebody else? Why my mind keeps thinking about her? What is this called? Love or insanity?

Well, now I will live. Hope that someday I will found that true meaning of my feeling. Someday I will found the right person that suits me well. I must go on.

True love are hard to find, harder to leave and impossible to forget.

Dance like no one is watching
Love like you've never been hurt
Sing like no one is listening
Work like you don't need the money
Live life every day as if it were your last.

You will always be in my heart... You Know Who~

Busy Month

It's been like 2 month since the last post. I've been going a tough and complicated life here. Not too much enjoyable. The choir team, boria team, Arabic class, Parliamentary Debate team etc. It's never been easy. Plus the study. Argh!

But now the debate is the only one left for me to be worked on. God, too much project here makes me reconsider back my aim here at UM. I'm afraid that I will less study and much project.

Damn!! I dunno what to write anymore. Maybe this why I rarely update my blog

In memory

Finally, all this tired-all-day practice comes to an end. And I can go back to home! Yeaa... 3 weeks I haven't see my family and my cats. 1 thing I regret, one of my cat passed on just about a week ago. It's a very nice cat. Persians. We called him Giant. Since he was the biggest of all my cats. I like his fur. Very nice and smooth. When my mom called inform me about that I was very shocked! Yeah. Just few days before we took him to vet. And the doctor said it will be fine. He just have urine problem. Couple days at vet, and we took him home. Still he looked very tired. Didn't want to move at all. I thought it was just the drugs they gave to him. And until the day, when my mom was just wanted to prepare breakfast, she checked him. But he didn't respond. He left this world. He left us.

It's just a memory from now. I missed him a lot.

Life must go on. There he goes. And another will come. My house like 'restaurant' for cats. Really. I have 3 cats now. And uncountable cats around my neighbourhood, coming and waiting every breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's a bit annoyed actually. What can I do, since all my beloved cats are 'too' friendly inviting their friends to the house.

I will always remember you, Giant.

Days at university

Just received my result. Not very pleased with myself. The result was not as I expected. I feel like I'm gonna cry. This is the most horrible thing I've ever do. The worst day of my life. Honestly, if I can I will commit suicide. My life was never been this terrible. All the subject that I took was really disappoint me. All I can say is I'm very depressed, upset, frustrated. Never in my life this test God gave to me is very hard to face.

I just don't know what to write anymore. Like all that I've done seems nothing to me now. It never gives back what I want. And the subject that I'm not very pleased is Basic Mathematical Method. I thought that I've done my best. The best of all subjects. Then the result...

I hope this grade will not make me repeat this paper again. I'm hoping that it will never happen. Yes I can re-sit the paper back to repair my pointer. But REPEAT?? That means I have to extend my study here to 3 1/2 years or maybe 4 years! I don't mind extend my study here but I just can't face it. I really can't face it. I put very best effort and it turned me down. Well maybe I deserved that but... This is very critical subject. Repeat the paper just like the worst nightmare of all students. I don't want it happen to me! No! Please!

I'm not blaming God for what happen. Yes I deserved it...

I just can't tell my parents about this. I don't have the will to tell them. I know it will make them upset. They always give me hope that anyone can't. They put so much hope on me, but I turned them down. I'm very sad.

O God. Please forgive me. I know I have many sins to You. But please don't make this nightmare into reality. Please God. To You I give my life.

High Hopes

Next time your found, with your chin on the ground

There a lot to be learned, so look around

Just what makes that little old ant

Think hell move that rubber tree plant

Anyone knows an ant, cant

Move a rubber tree plant

But hes got high hopes, hes got high hopes

Hes got high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time your gettin' low stead of lettin' go

Just remember that ant

Oops there goes another rubber tree plant

When troubles call, and your backs to the wall

There a lot to be learned, that wall could fall

Once there was a silly old ram

Thought he'd punch a hole in a dam

No one could make that ram, scram

He kept buttin' that dam cause he had high hopes, he had high hopes

He had high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time your feelin' bad stead of feelin' sad

Just remember that ram

Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam

All problems just a toy balloon

They'll be bursting soon

They're just bound to go pop

Oops there goes another problem kerplop

Frank Sinatra - High Hopes

Well that's the song I have to sing for the competition. One of the songs actually. There's 5 songs to remember. Gosh. And the worst and most difficult part is my part. The bass. All sopranos, altos and tenors got their part already.

It's been 3 weeks since I spend my semester break here. The life here not exactly boring as thought. Just sometimes I feel lonely (that's what I want isn't it?). I've no money here in my account to be exact. Damn!! When they want to bank in my money. I've waited for 1 semester, but there's nothing happen. And I should wait, and wait, and wait... wait... wait... Just like the song. High hopes. Hopes....

Jom Heboh!

Yesterday was the last day of TV3 Carnival Jom Heboh. That's the second time I went there. First when I was in Form 5 (they used to call Carnival TV3 Sure Heboh). Dunno what's bring me there. Maybe coz really really bored living here. Well actually I rather stuck here in my room rather than go outside in the crowded place. I hate being there! But yesterday, maybe some excuses. Hahaha. There's nothing there actually. The people just wanna watch concert. BORING!!!! Most of the singers are from reality TV Mentor. Few songs plus dance, after that... Well you know. If Simon Cowell was there, sure he'll say something that never been said in American Idol. Horrible!! Most Malaysians prefer good-looking than a great voice. That was happen in almost all reality TV program in Malaysia. Well, it's Malaysia. Yeah. Malaysia Truly Asia!

Actually I don't want to talk about that. Just what makes me sad was the behaviour of certain teenagers (mostly Malays). Jumping all over there. Raving like some sort of animals. I know it's a concert. But at least they can act like people with manners. Once a girl wanted to cross the field full of mud. Raining season now you know. They teased her until she ran away leaving her shoe behind. Well, serve her right. Who ask her to cross the field if she know it will humiliate her. Me? I just watched her. If I help then they will do the same to me. Besides it was full of mud. Eeuu.. Disgusting. Hahaha.