- Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi -

*(I show not your face but your heart's desire)*

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Bad Day

Dear Blog,

I feel very sad today. I think I'm gonna cry. I didn't do very well in one paper. It's Quantum Mechanics. Well, the questions didn't tough or hard as I thought, but I don't know why. I can't really answer them all. Too many empty spaces left behind.

I really feel down. Yeah. One reason because 'last minutes' revise. And I stayed all night. Makes me a tired.

But one thing I kinda regret is the fact that I can't answer them properly. Not that I don't understand the question, I understand but I lost. It's all mixed up in my mind. This topic, that topic. I forgot how to start, what will I do next and so on. The question aren't tough at all. It's almost the same in the tutorials that the lecturer gave, and I had them done. The question now -how can I forgot that!!!- It's a big-stupid-foolish mistake.

But I think this is a test for me from God. Yeah. I made lots of mistakes. Human... only remember God when they're in difficult times. But easily forget when given bless by Him.

My mistake. I accept it. O God. Please forgive me. I made mistakes to You, to my parents. Please give me chances to improve myself.

Now, I just have only two more paper. And I hope that I can do it very well. At least maybe it can cover my pointer for this semester.

*Shamim!! Jangan malas!! You have to study!! Or you'll get more warning letter from JPA!! Bangun!! Pegi study!! Just 2 more paper!! Fighting!!*

*sigh*

Friday, October 26, 2007

Updating~

Dear Blog,

Too many things in my mind right now. But I don't know how to start it. Really, my fingers feel numb.

Many things make me nervous, anxious, jealous etc etc. If I have a time machine now, I would like to travel back. Fix all the unfixed things, do all undone things.

But right now, all I feel is blank... nothing...

I don't know. I can't study at all!! My exam is around the corner. But everytime I tried to, something will come up.

I hate myself!!! *sigh*

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Merdeka!

Dear Blog,

It's been a long time. Too many things to do.

But it's not late to wish Merdeka rite? Hahaha.

Actually I have nothing to write. Hmm... thinking of study makes me crazy. Just look at my subject :

1. Understanding Computer in Mathematics (Exel & Mathlab... ok la.. quite easy)
2. Quantum Mechanics (gosh, God knows how tough it is.. even the smartest kid in physics also surrender. Seriously, I have no idea what it is about. Hahaha.)
3. Mathematical Methods (learning math but at the same time applied physics in it... quite tough)
4. Statistical Physics (statistics? guess they have to change the name...)
5. Electricity and Magnetism (ok so far... dunno la)
6. Instrumentations (ok kot?..)
7. Microprocessor and Microcomputer Lab (programming and LINUX... dunno what experiments that I've done)

See... 7 subject but only 6 papers to take in exam. Only 6? Hahaha. Only the craziest person will take this much. Adding 'few' activities in college. Seems that I am crazy... Aaaaa~

As for me, I'm not merdeka yet. Not until 2009. Or maybe 2010. Depends. *sigh*

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Maybe....

Dear Blog,

Maybe I should back off,
Maybe aku patut undur diri,
Maybe aku patut kembali kepada siapa aku yang sebenarnya,
Maybe I shouldn't involve in this kind of "war",
Maybe I should hide myself,
Hide from this chaos,
Hide from this "war",
Hide from everyone,
Become the true me.

Deep in my heart, aku rase bende ni takkan berjalan. Everyone have no intentions in this thing. Everyone so busy preparing for "war". So, before I get myself in the middle of this, maybe I should back off. Well, that's good for me I think. Playing part as an observer. Play safe orang ckp. But don't mess up with me. Once I'm mad, I'll fight 'till the end.

Maybe this is the end. But for now, it's better to wait and see.

Friday, July 27, 2007

As Every Dark Cloud Supposedly Has A Silver Lining

Dear Blog,

Lately aku rase sgt depressed. Depressed and frustrated. Since balik kolej about 3 weeks ago, I can't even enjoying a free night so that I can study. I dreamt that this session is free-activity session. Not involving too much project and activities. But tak sampai seminggu dok sini pon dah banyak nak kene join. Being "Papa Unicorn"(which not very enjoying) and after that jadi AJK for JKPAI(Jawatankuasa Perkembangan Akademik Dan Intelektual). Ok la kalau jadi AJK tu. Tapi yang aku kureng senang tu kene jadi pengarah projek debat. Bukan kurang senang la, ish, susah nak explain.

But for sure I know myself. And I think that I can't take this position. Yeah, my self-esteem is quite low and I'm kinda anti-social. Well, sort of. Tak tau la, rase macam I'm not meant for this position. Aku ni bukan jenis yang pandai mengarah pon. Boleh diarah tapi tak sure boleh mengarah. Hehehe. Pelik kan.

And aku rase bende nih la yang paling banyak buat aku depressed. Aku rase cam low sangat. Kawan aku pon cakap die pon still doubt that I can do well in this position. Ntah la, rase cam die ckp tu mmg betul. Nak wat camne, bende betul kene la terima. Dah tu yang bentuk diri kite.

Sebenarnye baru je abis meeting dengan pengurusan kolej pasal bende debat nih. And ape yang aku fikirkan betul terjadi. Projek nih dlm KIV(Keep In View) or pending status for peruntukan budget and Master approval. Tak tau la. Time meeting tadi mmg aku dapat rase orang sume pandang aku. And the look is like memperkecilkan kredebiliti aku as a director. Bukan orang kat dalam board room tu je. Aku rase sume orang kat kolej nih camtu. Cam diorang tak caye aku bleh buat bende nih. Well, nak buat camne. Maybe diorang shock kot tetibe je name aku naik padahal before this tak ramai pon kenal aku.

Tak tau la camne nak buat lagi. Master suruh betulkan balik and think other solutions. But now in my mind I have nothing to think to. There's so much thing I wanna do than thinking the solutions. Esok boleh hantar buku kat library balik. Pastu boleh balik rumah. Tengok TV, main ngan Mokhsin, Orked ngan Monti (sayang, Kyo ngan Yuki dah mati kene langgar kereta). Takyah nak pening-pening fikir bende nih.

Sekarang nih it's up to Pengerusi JKPAI untuk fikirkan penyelesaiannya. As for me, aku dah malas dah. Kalo die still nak aku jd director, maybe aku akan terima (try something new and completly opposite dengan perwatakan aku). Hahaha. Insya-Allah kalau diberikan amanah, aku akan laksanakan dengan sebaik mungkin. Tapi buat mase nih, baik aku reconsider back.

Rase malas la nak involve dalam apape aktiviti lagi. Cukup la ngan bende nih je. Tu pon da buat aku kelam kabut. Tak dapat stay pon takpe. But hopefully dapat stay la. Malas la nak travel jauh2.

Ok la. There's loads more thing I want to say, but just simpan dalam ati je la. Bak kate Saipul, "aku tak percayakan sesape pon sekarang nih". In fact, aku tak pernah percayakan sesiapa pon. Bukan sekarang je, dari dulu lg aku tak pernah percayakan orang 100%. And aku tak rase aku akan percayakan orang sampai bila2. Even die kawan baik aku skalipon. But as every dark cloud supposedly has a silver lining. Harap ade hikmah disebaliknya.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

A Brand New

Dear Blog,

I stumbled across one of my friend yesterday. Actually my friend's little brother. And guess what... Ade ke die kate aku gemok? WTH??!! Okay... Maybe aku nih tembam sket... Tapi tak gemok ek. But still ape yg die ckp tu terngiang-ngiang kat kepale aku.... Wuwuwuuuuu... Aku tak gemok la. "Membesar" sket ade la. Nih sume sebab kat kolej la nih. Almost every night I eat at least two times. Two times tau tak... And berat semakin bertambah.

Tak tau la. But lately I eat when I feel frust or depress. Solving problem with eating. That's a nice way!! And look what happen to me now. Balik cuti je sume ckp aku da gemok. Pipi tembam la, perut besar la, tangan cam batang pisang la... Ish... Satu sem berat naik 7 kilo... Kire ok la tu.. Tu pon berat skarang nih blom capai BMI. Jauh bebeno...

Makan... Bile aku teringat die aku akan rase kecewa and frust and aku akan makan. Camne nih. I still can't forget her. Everyday I keep thinking about her.

Hmm... It's getting more complicated. The more I try to forget her the more I keep thinking about her. Dah tak tau nak buat ape lg dah ni.. Ape yg aku bleh buat is just keep living. Teruskan hidup..

Result dah kuar and Alhamdulillah pointer naik la sket. Sket je tak byk. That's not the best. I expect dapat tinggi lg but dah dpt camni nak ubah camne lg... Kene la struggle lagi sem depan. Dah la Quantum Physics ngan Electomegnetic killer subject. Waaaa.... Ngan result camni camne la nk survive... Nak sambung Master pon rase susah...

But now this is me. A little bit chubby. A brand new me. Maybe cuti nih berat susut sket kot. Tapi takpe la.. Lain dari aku yg dulu... Physically different but mentally the same. I think... Especially when it comes to You Know Who~

Friday, April 6, 2007

May You Always Feel Loved

Dear Blog,

I dunno what to write.

Tapi yg penting....

I WANNA GET OUT!! GET OUT FROM THIS MESS!!
AKU NAK KELUAR DARI DUNIA FANTASI CIPTAAN SENDIRI!~ AAAA....

Aku nk keluar dari Malaysia! Nk pergi ke suatu tempat yg takde sape yg kenal. A place that can makes me happy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


May You Always Feel Loved


May you find serenity and tranquility in a world
You may not always understand.

May the pain you have known and conflict you have experienced
Give you the strength to walk through life
Facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those whose love and understanding
Will always be there, even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others
To believe in a world of peace.

May a kind word, a reassuring touch, a warm smile be yours
Every day of your life,
And may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who know hate,
And let that love embrace you as you go into the world.

May the teaching of those you admire become part of you,
So that you may call upon them.
Remember, those whose lives you have touched
And who have touched yours are always a part of you,
Even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.
It is the content of the encounter that is more important than it's form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters,
But instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart.

Find time in each day to see the beauty and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities,
But each of us is different in our own way.
What you may feel you lack in one regard
May be more than compensated for in another.
What you feel you lack in the present
May become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility.
Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself,
And not be dependent on another's judgement of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved.


-1987 Sandra Sturtz Hauss-

Monday, April 2, 2007

Maybe They're Suppose To Be There

Dear Blog,

Thank God internet OK balik. Coz time balik sini dapat tau yg server UM down. So, I have to wait until now. But it's ok. You know Blog, aku dalam dilema skang. I'm in confuse state. Should or shouldn't I let her go. I mean should I forget her? And what about this new one? Owh, lupe lak. This one I get from my senior's blog.


"If You Can't Get Someone Out from Your Head, Maybe They are Supposed To Be THERE"


how many of you agree with this statement???

for me, mungkin betul kot... tapi depends gak...Kadang2 keegoan kita yang menghalang dia terhapus dr ingatan..... tapi ada juga kebenaran yang jelas... if we really don't need or love him/her anymore why cant we just forget about him/her???


...... xmple paling mudah : Ivy sangat cintakan Nigel...Tapi Nigel dah hilang rasa kasih dekat Ivy ..Plus dorg dah duduk jauh and Nigel dah jumpa Gurl baru.Nigel sgt berusaha utk melarikan diri dari Ivy.... Bukan Ivy tak tahu or faham yg Nigel taknak dia....Tapi cinta dan sayang tu tak pernah hilang dan masih ada.... She still tak giveup utk bersama Nigel...Nigel still ada dlm ingatan dan Hati Ivy...walaupun dorg dah 3years tak jumpa dan tak bersama.... Ivy pernah cuba utk lupa kan kisah cinta lama dia....Ivy always pray to god supaya tarik rasa kasih terhadap Nigel if He is really not 'The ONE'..... but still sampai skang Nigel still da king of her HEart.... so why? memang patut Nigel ada dlm kepala otak Ivy ke?


for me sepatutnya Ivy cari dunia baru dia....jgn stuck dgn kisah silam lagi....tp soal hati dan perasaan tak semudah bermain dgn perkataan.... ramai org terperangkp dlm permainan cinta tak kesampaian... ramai org jugak yg masih menjadi pemburu cinta....


xmple:
Sophia buru cinta-->Josh..Josh memburu Cinta ---> Ivy... Ivy buru cinta--->Nigel...Nigel Happy with Susan....



see the chain??? apakah maknanya itu? tak boleh ke Ivy kasi peluang kat Josh?? atau Josh kasi peluang dkt Sophia?? but we must remember one thing.... Jangan cinta org kerana simpati.....


i guess Sophia,Josh and Ivy or semua org yg berhadapan dgn masalah mcm nie actually kena just keep ur option open.... bukak minda dan hati.....beri sedikit ruang utk mengenali org sekeliling... there is still mr.rite or mrs.rite for u all....


Hmm... Actually ape yg die ckp ade gak kene mengena ngan aku. Like Ivy. But not exactly the same as the story la. But still, if I read it back, rase cam some part of the story really happen to me.

Berbalik kepada tujuan asal. I am very confuse. I can't get You Know Who out of my head. I just can't. Even aku rapat camne ngan seseorang pon tak dapat gak. Camne ni Blog? Aku betul betul dalam dilema.

Like I said last post, I've met someone already. But ape gune aku rapat ngan die, katelah her name is N. Ok, ape gune aku rapat ngan N tp aku still teringat kat You Know Who? Aku taknak jadikan N sbg tempat untuk melupakan You Know Who. Walau ape cara sekalipun aku buat, I just can't get her out of my head. Aku rase cam I'm using N untuk kepentingan aku sendiri. Am I that mean person? Aku cuba lari tp it keep chasing after me.

Then I ask my senior for her advices. Die ckp tak adil kalo kite rapat ngan seseorang semata mata untuk melupakan yang lama. Betul gak. Tak adil. So, die ade suggest something. And bile aku fikirkan suggestion tu, masuk akal gak. Coz kalo aku simpan bende nih, bleh jadi gila dibuatnya. I have plans and I won't tell you. Just nak bgtau, after this plan successfull then baru aku rase I can begin a new life.

I'm really not into any relationship right now. I can't. I'm not ready yet.

To N, I'm sorry if this writing hurt you. I'm really sorry but I'm not into any relationship right now. Just not ready to face the truth. The truth that I still remember her. The truth that I can't forget her. We can be friends or best friends but at this time not more than that. I hope you will understand.
Maybe she suppose to be in my heart. Maybe....~

Thursday, March 29, 2007

A True Feeling

Dear Blog,

Today I'm gonna write rojak2. Hahaha... Dah malas la nk buat dlm Inggeris je... It's really tiring! But I just wanna tell you that I've began a new life now. Not that dah completely lupakan die, she's still in my heart. But I began to... hmm... camne nk cakap ek? Dah tak selalu ingat kat die lagi. Still ingat tapi tak selalu. Paham tak? Sori la... Tulis pukul 2 pagi nih memang kepala tengah mamai. Huhuhu. Dah tak tau nak fikir ape lg.

Oh yeah. Forgot to tell you. I've met someone. She's very nice to me. And I begin to like her! Hahaha... Tak tau la die fikir camne. But now I'm trying to get close to her. Weird. Never done this before. It's really awkward.

I've met her in one occasion. Occasion? Senang cerita pada suatu peristiwa. Cewah. At first macam takde apape. But then, tak tau camne, it was like I'm nice to her. Nice? Lebih kurang camtu la. And then after that kitorang macam rapat. Still sampai skarang.

I'm not expect bende nih too much. Just at the beginning ni hanya kawan rapat je kot. Not taking risk to hope too much. And I'm still learning to love someone. Kalau tak dapat pon just maybe takde rezeki. Tapi kalau ade peluang, I would like to take this relationship to another stage. Insya-Allah.

Tak tau what she's thinking about me. Maybe just kawan biase je kot or maybe else. Tak tau la. Tapi yang penting that I will try to get close to her, try to be nice to her and apape lagi la yang berkaitan. Tak dapat.. Takde rezeki la. Takpon cari lain. Hahaha.... senangnye ko cakap Shamim... Yang penting skarang ni pelajaran! And her. Hehehe~

Life is what you make it
It's all up to you
If you choose to make the best of it
Your every dream will come true
Hard work is not easy
But at the end it will pay off
So do what you want in life
Because you can and you will succeed!!!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Love Like You've Never Been Hurt

Dear Blog,

I feel very lonely right now. Very lonely. I need someone to speak to. My friend? He’s already gone to overseas. I don't know who else to speak, so can I share my problem with you?

I feel like I'm alone in this very world. I envy with other people. They can live happily. Why can I? Why? I tried to live exactly as I want to. But I feel like something missing. Yeah, that missing thing is a person. The person that I like from the first I look at her. The person that stole my heart. The person that I always think of each and everyday.

I just don't know what to say. I like her. I really like her. I really really like her. I never feel like this before. Like in Ugly Betty "If you really like someone, your palm will sweat and your heart will beat faster every time you see her". That's what happens to me. Every time I see her, every time I heard her name, it makes my heart beating faster. Coz I've never been in love before. This is my first time. I don't know whether this is love or something else.

Unfortunately, she has someone already. Yeah, that's true. The moment I know, I felt like this is the end of the world. I've never been like this before. I felt like I'm going to cry. It took me about a week to recover. Within that whole week I tried to comfort myself. I asked for my friend advice. "Lives must go on," he said.

I know that just before I'm going to tell her that I like her. Silly isn't it? I never tell her that I like her. I keep this feeling quite long. And just before I was ready to tell her, this news comes unexpected. I felt very sad.

I can remember when the first time she came across in front of me, my eyes fixed on her back then. That time I don't know what that feeling was. I kept looking at her. Then after quite sometime, I realized that the feeling is not just a feeling of a friend, but more than that. I don't know what to say, but when I see her, it makes me smile. Like whatever problem I have went away when I see her. The moment like she already steal my heart.

Why I don't just tell her at first? Well, what do you expect me to do? Surprise her and say "I like you". Like that? Hahaha. You don't know me I think. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not that kind of boys that when they feel like they like a girl, they just say and express it. I'm not that very social person. Besides, I came from religious school. The school that taught me the limits between boys and girls. I have my dignity and ego. That ego that turn to betray on me. The ego that keep forcing me to wait. And I wait. Why I don't tell her at first? Shame I think. Afraid. Thinking that it will humiliate me. I've never been good at conversation. With boys and also girls. That's why some people say I'm quiet. And some says I'm very arrogant. It's hard to see me smile to strangers or friends that not really close to me. So, that's why I don't tell her. Afraid. Afraid of myself. I'm not confident. I have many chances to say to her. But I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I become speechless. Numb.

Special case. That's what I call.

After that, I tried to live as good as I can. I tried to forget her. I tried to erase anything that relates to her. I tried to console myself. I tried to persuade my heart saying that it's ok. She's got someone already. As long as she happy, you will be happy too. Trying to take back that 'stolen' heart. I can't! What a stupid me. I can never forget her. No matter how hard I try to forget her, no matter how hard I try to make myself busy with something, I just can't stop thinking about her. Every time I always remember her. Every minutes. Every seconds.

"Go on. Live. Lives must go on."

I don't know why. There are so many girls here but she is so special. Not that I'm not trying to be close to another girl so that I can forget her. But when I try to be nice to them, my heart keeps refusing. What about her? Argh... I think I'm crazy. I try to forget her but I can't. Can you help me Blog? The more I'm thinking of her the more I miss her the more I'm crazy about her. What would I do? Confess to her even though she has someone already?

I envy with my friends. I envy them. When they hurt or break up with someone, they always recover very quickly. Find new life, new person. But I can't. Why? Having someone special with me is that hard? Even harder than the hardest thing in the world. I really need someone to be with me. Someone who I can share my problems. Someone that I can jokes around. Someone who can cheer me up when I feel sad. Someone who I'm proud to say to everyone. "She is very special to me."

I feel very sad. Why this happen to me? Why I can't forget her? Why I can't easily fall in love? Why it is so hard for me to love somebody else? Why my mind keeps thinking about her? What is this called? Love or insanity?

Well, now I will live. Hope that someday I will found that true meaning of my feeling. Someday I will found the right person that suits me well. I must go on.

True love are hard to find, harder to leave and impossible to forget.

Dance like no one is watching
Love like you've never been hurt
Sing like no one is listening
Work like you don't need the money
Live life every day as if it were your last.

You will always be in my heart... You Know Who~

Friday, February 16, 2007

Busy Month

It's been like 2 month since the last post. I've been going a tough and complicated life here. Not too much enjoyable. The choir team, boria team, Arabic class, Parliamentary Debate team etc. It's never been easy. Plus the study. Argh!

But now the debate is the only one left for me to be worked on. God, too much project here makes me reconsider back my aim here at UM. I'm afraid that I will less study and much project.

Damn!! I dunno what to write anymore. Maybe this why I rarely update my blog