- Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi -

*(I show not your face but your heart's desire)*

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Maybe....

Dear Blog,

Maybe I should back off,
Maybe aku patut undur diri,
Maybe aku patut kembali kepada siapa aku yang sebenarnya,
Maybe I shouldn't involve in this kind of "war",
Maybe I should hide myself,
Hide from this chaos,
Hide from this "war",
Hide from everyone,
Become the true me.

Deep in my heart, aku rase bende ni takkan berjalan. Everyone have no intentions in this thing. Everyone so busy preparing for "war". So, before I get myself in the middle of this, maybe I should back off. Well, that's good for me I think. Playing part as an observer. Play safe orang ckp. But don't mess up with me. Once I'm mad, I'll fight 'till the end.

Maybe this is the end. But for now, it's better to wait and see.

Friday, July 27, 2007

As Every Dark Cloud Supposedly Has A Silver Lining

Dear Blog,

Lately aku rase sgt depressed. Depressed and frustrated. Since balik kolej about 3 weeks ago, I can't even enjoying a free night so that I can study. I dreamt that this session is free-activity session. Not involving too much project and activities. But tak sampai seminggu dok sini pon dah banyak nak kene join. Being "Papa Unicorn"(which not very enjoying) and after that jadi AJK for JKPAI(Jawatankuasa Perkembangan Akademik Dan Intelektual). Ok la kalau jadi AJK tu. Tapi yang aku kureng senang tu kene jadi pengarah projek debat. Bukan kurang senang la, ish, susah nak explain.

But for sure I know myself. And I think that I can't take this position. Yeah, my self-esteem is quite low and I'm kinda anti-social. Well, sort of. Tak tau la, rase macam I'm not meant for this position. Aku ni bukan jenis yang pandai mengarah pon. Boleh diarah tapi tak sure boleh mengarah. Hehehe. Pelik kan.

And aku rase bende nih la yang paling banyak buat aku depressed. Aku rase cam low sangat. Kawan aku pon cakap die pon still doubt that I can do well in this position. Ntah la, rase cam die ckp tu mmg betul. Nak wat camne, bende betul kene la terima. Dah tu yang bentuk diri kite.

Sebenarnye baru je abis meeting dengan pengurusan kolej pasal bende debat nih. And ape yang aku fikirkan betul terjadi. Projek nih dlm KIV(Keep In View) or pending status for peruntukan budget and Master approval. Tak tau la. Time meeting tadi mmg aku dapat rase orang sume pandang aku. And the look is like memperkecilkan kredebiliti aku as a director. Bukan orang kat dalam board room tu je. Aku rase sume orang kat kolej nih camtu. Cam diorang tak caye aku bleh buat bende nih. Well, nak buat camne. Maybe diorang shock kot tetibe je name aku naik padahal before this tak ramai pon kenal aku.

Tak tau la camne nak buat lagi. Master suruh betulkan balik and think other solutions. But now in my mind I have nothing to think to. There's so much thing I wanna do than thinking the solutions. Esok boleh hantar buku kat library balik. Pastu boleh balik rumah. Tengok TV, main ngan Mokhsin, Orked ngan Monti (sayang, Kyo ngan Yuki dah mati kene langgar kereta). Takyah nak pening-pening fikir bende nih.

Sekarang nih it's up to Pengerusi JKPAI untuk fikirkan penyelesaiannya. As for me, aku dah malas dah. Kalo die still nak aku jd director, maybe aku akan terima (try something new and completly opposite dengan perwatakan aku). Hahaha. Insya-Allah kalau diberikan amanah, aku akan laksanakan dengan sebaik mungkin. Tapi buat mase nih, baik aku reconsider back.

Rase malas la nak involve dalam apape aktiviti lagi. Cukup la ngan bende nih je. Tu pon da buat aku kelam kabut. Tak dapat stay pon takpe. But hopefully dapat stay la. Malas la nak travel jauh2.

Ok la. There's loads more thing I want to say, but just simpan dalam ati je la. Bak kate Saipul, "aku tak percayakan sesape pon sekarang nih". In fact, aku tak pernah percayakan sesiapa pon. Bukan sekarang je, dari dulu lg aku tak pernah percayakan orang 100%. And aku tak rase aku akan percayakan orang sampai bila2. Even die kawan baik aku skalipon. But as every dark cloud supposedly has a silver lining. Harap ade hikmah disebaliknya.