Love Like You've Never Been Hurt

Dear Blog,

I feel very lonely right now. Very lonely. I need someone to speak to. My friend? He’s already gone to overseas. I don't know who else to speak, so can I share my problem with you?

I feel like I'm alone in this very world. I envy with other people. They can live happily. Why can I? Why? I tried to live exactly as I want to. But I feel like something missing. Yeah, that missing thing is a person. The person that I like from the first I look at her. The person that stole my heart. The person that I always think of each and everyday.

I just don't know what to say. I like her. I really like her. I really really like her. I never feel like this before. Like in Ugly Betty "If you really like someone, your palm will sweat and your heart will beat faster every time you see her". That's what happens to me. Every time I see her, every time I heard her name, it makes my heart beating faster. Coz I've never been in love before. This is my first time. I don't know whether this is love or something else.

Unfortunately, she has someone already. Yeah, that's true. The moment I know, I felt like this is the end of the world. I've never been like this before. I felt like I'm going to cry. It took me about a week to recover. Within that whole week I tried to comfort myself. I asked for my friend advice. "Lives must go on," he said.

I know that just before I'm going to tell her that I like her. Silly isn't it? I never tell her that I like her. I keep this feeling quite long. And just before I was ready to tell her, this news comes unexpected. I felt very sad.

I can remember when the first time she came across in front of me, my eyes fixed on her back then. That time I don't know what that feeling was. I kept looking at her. Then after quite sometime, I realized that the feeling is not just a feeling of a friend, but more than that. I don't know what to say, but when I see her, it makes me smile. Like whatever problem I have went away when I see her. The moment like she already steal my heart.

Why I don't just tell her at first? Well, what do you expect me to do? Surprise her and say "I like you". Like that? Hahaha. You don't know me I think. I'm not that kind of person. I'm not that kind of boys that when they feel like they like a girl, they just say and express it. I'm not that very social person. Besides, I came from religious school. The school that taught me the limits between boys and girls. I have my dignity and ego. That ego that turn to betray on me. The ego that keep forcing me to wait. And I wait. Why I don't tell her at first? Shame I think. Afraid. Thinking that it will humiliate me. I've never been good at conversation. With boys and also girls. That's why some people say I'm quiet. And some says I'm very arrogant. It's hard to see me smile to strangers or friends that not really close to me. So, that's why I don't tell her. Afraid. Afraid of myself. I'm not confident. I have many chances to say to her. But I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I become speechless. Numb.

Special case. That's what I call.

After that, I tried to live as good as I can. I tried to forget her. I tried to erase anything that relates to her. I tried to console myself. I tried to persuade my heart saying that it's ok. She's got someone already. As long as she happy, you will be happy too. Trying to take back that 'stolen' heart. I can't! What a stupid me. I can never forget her. No matter how hard I try to forget her, no matter how hard I try to make myself busy with something, I just can't stop thinking about her. Every time I always remember her. Every minutes. Every seconds.

"Go on. Live. Lives must go on."

I don't know why. There are so many girls here but she is so special. Not that I'm not trying to be close to another girl so that I can forget her. But when I try to be nice to them, my heart keeps refusing. What about her? Argh... I think I'm crazy. I try to forget her but I can't. Can you help me Blog? The more I'm thinking of her the more I miss her the more I'm crazy about her. What would I do? Confess to her even though she has someone already?

I envy with my friends. I envy them. When they hurt or break up with someone, they always recover very quickly. Find new life, new person. But I can't. Why? Having someone special with me is that hard? Even harder than the hardest thing in the world. I really need someone to be with me. Someone who I can share my problems. Someone that I can jokes around. Someone who can cheer me up when I feel sad. Someone who I'm proud to say to everyone. "She is very special to me."

I feel very sad. Why this happen to me? Why I can't forget her? Why I can't easily fall in love? Why it is so hard for me to love somebody else? Why my mind keeps thinking about her? What is this called? Love or insanity?

Well, now I will live. Hope that someday I will found that true meaning of my feeling. Someday I will found the right person that suits me well. I must go on.

True love are hard to find, harder to leave and impossible to forget.

Dance like no one is watching
Love like you've never been hurt
Sing like no one is listening
Work like you don't need the money
Live life every day as if it were your last.

You will always be in my heart... You Know Who~