Hate myself

I hate myself, for I was unable to tell.

I hate myself, for I was unable to speak.

I hate myself, for I was unable to know.

I hate myself, for I was unable to understand.

I hate myself, for I was unable to make a smile.

I hate myself, for I always make people hurt.

I hate myself, for I only watch it happen.

I hate myself, for I just let it slip away from me.

I hate myself, for I was unable to fight for it.

I hate myself, for the silence that I made.

I hate myself, for I did nothing.

I hate myself, because this happen again.

I hate myself, for I constantly do something that I know it’ll hurt myself.

I hate myself, for I was unable to be like others.
(Ok just be yourself I know. But what you do if you have something that others don’t like. Say a bad habit or something you do that keep others annoyed/hurt? You have to change it right? Of course we have to improve our self. From bad to good. Be yourself my ass!)

I hate myself, coz I think I’m a loser. With the big L.

Gosh. I can’t even see what’s the good side of me! It’s always bad.

Dear God, help me become a better person.

Oohh I need to sleep. The more I think the more it hurts.

2 posts in a day. Are you kidding me?

Talk without hurting

How to tell without hurting?
Fine aku translate Malay.
Bagaimana nak memberitahu tanpa menyakiti?
Macam mana kita nak explain/menerangkan sesuatu tanpa menyakiti seseorang?
Tell me how.

I hate what I'm going through right now. It happened before and I hate because it happen again.

Ah... why must I cry again? Twice I've made girls cry because of me, so is that mean that I have to experience the same thing too?

Karma's a bitch bro. You even wrote it in previous post. Do not ever forget!

No Other

Super Junior – No Other.

Hmmph~ Ni la kesannya bila kau dapat adik yang gila Korea. Dengan kau sekali kena tempias. Bila kau balik rumah, first thing kau tengok adalah tv, channel 391. Rancangan Music Bank. Dengan orang yang tengah tengok sekali sing-along sambil menari-nari. Lepas tu kau masuk bilik on laptop hanya untuk mengetahui yang connection internet sangat lembap. Turun bawah tengok orang yang sama tengah Youtube Starking la Star Golden Bell Challenge la apekebende tah. Ada hati lagi tu nak suruh aku tukar Astro HD sebab ada satu channel Korea yang baru. Kemudian tengah malam, dikala parents tengah tidur, kau dengar orang berdekeh-dekeh gelak (dah rasa immune dengar orang gelak malam-malam tak kira apa). Turun bawah sekali lagi orang yang sama lagi tengah tengok Dream Team!. Oh adikku. SPM tahun depan kalau dapat straight A abang bawa pegi Korea ok? Jadi sila belajar bersungguh-sungguh! Aja-aja hwaiting!! Haha.

Lyrics dan translation boleh di dapati dari En. Google. Sila cari sendiri. Jangan jadi pemalas.

Ada maksud disebalik post ni? Hihi *blushing malu-malu macam mintak pelempang* Hah kau sikit-sikit nak fikir bukan-bukan. Tak  boleh nak tengok aku senang. Keh keh keh.

Madness

Kenapa orang selalu emo? Ceh cakap orang padahal sendiri selalu emo. Pfft~

Takde la. I mean why people easily get angry over silly little thing? Yes maybe small thing for someone but it’s really big for others. Tapi kalau fikirkan balik, benda tu simple je. Ambil contoh makan. A nak makan Subway. B pula nak makan McD. So diorang pun bergaduh. A fikir B tak faham yang dia tak suka McD. B pula macam tak kisah. Bagi B benda tu simple. Tapi bagi A benda tu sangat penting. Entah apa yang penting pasal pilih tempat makan aku pun tak tahu.

So kalau fikirkan balik. Masalahnya adalah makan. Kan silly je benda tu. Tapi nak bergaduh bertepuk tampar lepas tu tak tegur sebulan dua. Dua-dua taknak compromise. Dua-dua ego tinggi melangit. Yang aku tak faham there’s people yang fikiran dia singkat. Taknak fikir panjang. They only knows what they are feeling at that moment and tak nak fikir apa yang akan berlaku afterwards.

I am hot-tempered guy. Yes I easily get angry. But I will cool down easily too. Susah bagi aku nak marah seseorang lebih dari sehari. Sebab selalunya kalau lepas marah aku akan tidur. Bangun tidur hilang semua rasa marah tu. Maybe that’s one thing I inherited from my dad. Cepat marah and cepat cool down. Sebab tu arwah cakap aku mood swing. Tiba-tiba macam marah. After few minutes boleh pula melawak.

Tapi aku tak suka marah-marah. Aku tak suka memarahi dan aku tak suka dimarahi. Siapa yang suka kan? But that’s one thing. Kalau dah marah selalunya aku akan down. Rasa down gila and bersalah sebab dah marah orang. Dan itu yang paling aku tak suka.

And sebab rasa tak suka tu la bila orang marah-marah aku diam je. I like to take silence stance. Biarkan dia marah. Bukan dapat apa pun kalau aku lawan balik. Aku diam pun ada orang tanya lagi “kau tak terasa/marah ke dia marah kau?” Duh~ Buat apa aku nak marah-marah. Kalau benda tu tak memberi significance in my life then I won’t be bother. Kalau pun ada signifikannya, aku akan cari other solution. Bukan dengan marah balik orang tu. Seriously tak dapat apa-apa. Kau makin sakit hati ada la.

Cuma pernah sekali je aku betul-betul marah and I really regret that happen. It happen almost 3 years ago. Time tu memang tak dapat nak dikawal. Habis satu dewan aku jerit. Semua terdiam. Sampai ada budak tu terus nak balik sebab tengok aku menyinga. Bukan salah dia pun. Salah orang lain. Tu la, kalau marahkan seseorang, orang lain yang jadi mangsa. Aku tak suka macam tu. Memang rasa menyesal sampai sekarang.

Nak tahu time bila aku marah senang. Kalau aku jawab sepatah pertanyaan korang yang maha panjang bagai novel, maknanya aku tengah marah la tu. So sila jangan tanya lebih-lebih. Sila faham situasi aku dan sila respect sebagaimana aku faham dan aku repect kau. Kalau setakat nak faham kau je pergi buat satu clone baru khas untuk kau.

Treat people nicely if you want them to treat you the same way. What you give is actually what you will get back. You give shit then you will get shit too. Even if you not, you must know; KARMA IS A BITCH!

 

 

Banyak lagi nak cakap sebenarnya bukan tak ada idea. Tapi aku harus tapis. Nak menapis so that orang takkan terasa tu yang susah. Kena fikirkan ayat la. Fikir macam mana nak cakap dengan baik la. Karang kalau lepas je semua memang ada yang makan hati. Sakit hati bagai. Lepas tu tarik muka. Tak suka betul orang macam ni!

 

 

p.s: Post ni bukan aku marah sesiapa. Tak. Cuma aku tak suka orang marah-marah.

p.p.s: Baca balik memang macam marah. Tapi tak. Aku just geram je at certain thing at office and outside. Sometimes kalau aku diam pun orang takkan faham. So adalah lebih afdal lepaskan sikit bagi faham.

 

Oh aku terlupa sesuatu. Ni link dari kakak saudara ipar. Amende tah relationship dia tapi kira kakak saudara aku la. I found her post quite interesting. So ni link dia. Ni kira balas balik la dia dah puji aku melambung kat blog dia hari tu. Keh keh keh. Sila like blog dia eceh promote lak mesti ada udang di sebalik mee ni.

The best will come to us

Hati manusia ni flexible. Sangat mudah berubah. Belum tentu orang yang kita suka lapan tahun lepas akan jadi isteri kita. Dan belum tentu orang yang kita jumpa bulan lepas tak layak jadi suami kita. Perasaan manusia ini pelik. Bila sayang sangat, tiba-tiba akan jadi benci. Bila pada awalnya benci, tiba-tiba dia nombor satu di hati. Bila sayang, boleh pula datang cemburu. Bila marah boleh pula tiba-tiba kita menangis.
Gila.
Kadang-kadang kita letak bayangan mahu yang sebegini, tapi akhirnya kita akan bersama dengan orang yang sebegitu. Yang dalam bahasa inggerisnya, total opposite. Kita bina satu khayalan, mahu sang bidadari dari syurga sebagai peneman hidup, hingga wanita biasa yang baik pekertinya kita lupa. Kadang-kadang kita cari orang yang kita rasa ideal untuk kita, sampai kita tak nampak si dia yang melambai di depan mata.
Buta.
Butakah?
Atau kita dikaburi kemahuan semata?
Mungkin.
Jadi kita harus berusaha untuk menjadi yang terbaik, untuk beroleh yang terbaik. Macam konsep dosa pahala syurga neraka. Buat amal yang baik, untuk beroleh yang terbaik. Kan?
"Aku bukan untukmu"
Mengalah? Mengapa perlu?
Usaha pun sejengkal jari. Terus mahu berpatah arang berkerat rotan. *senyum sinis* Bergaduh berperang perkara biasa. Darah muda. Kadang-kadang membina impian bersama sampai terlupa yang apa yang dijanji belum tentu mampu dibukti.Yang penting harus berani. Berusaha sedaya mampu. Berhenti bila tak terpaksi.

Yang terbaik akan datang untuk kita. Buat apa bermuram durja?

Quote from makcik. Angin apa entah dia tiba-tiba.

Tapi kan, betul juga. Kadang-kadang aku terfikir, usaha sejengkal jari tapi berharap segunung impian. Terasa bagai masih belum mencuba dan berusaha sedaya upaya. Orang putih cakap not trying the best. No effort at all. Mungkin kelihatan seperti tidak mencuba. Tapi aku tak tahu bagaimana!

Yang penting harus berani. Di manakah keberanian kau? Aku rasa belum cukup berani. Pengalaman lalu cukup pahit untuk ditelan. Aku bukan tak berani. Cuma aku takut menyakiti. Tapi aku rasa apa aku buat ni menyakitkan hati. Betul?

Banyak lagi terbuku di hati. Tapi sukar untuk diluahkan.

Aku bukan seperti orang lain. Aku adalah aku.                                                                                           Loser~ *sigh*

Ye kenapa gaya penulisan aku dah macam makcik ni juga? Adui. Harus tidur sekarang. Esok mahu bangun awal pergi kerja.

 

 

 

p.s: minggu ni sangat bizi… segala mesej sama ada melalui ym, skype, facebook bahkan telefon bimbit akan dibalas seringkas-ringkasnya… minta maaf… lol pegi tido la nk muntah aku tgk ayat sendiri.. pfft

p.p.s: eh makcik… aku quote ek.. pastu ade link ko.. jgn pasni dok sebok mintak royalti sikret resepi… gaji kau lg byk dari aku…

All I ever wanted

Last night I dreamt of her. Not You-Know-Who. Someone who isn’t here anymore. In my dream we having conversation as we always did few years back. We chat and chat and chat. But suddenly it stops and I woke up realized tears coming from my eyes. Oh God.

Seriously I’m tired. Tired of arguing. Tired of everything. All I want is this to be smooth like others. Apparently all I did was not enough. And I just don’t know how. Or what else to do. And I’m also tired being nice. I’m tired being too good. Or at least I think I am. I’m losing hope here. Dear God. Help me.

I don’t know what to say anymore. I’m suck at expressing what I feel.

All I want is this to be good. Like others. Just good. That’s all.

Understand

“What do girls want from guys?”

‘They want them to understand what they feel without having to tell guys what they are feeling at that moment’

Now I know the ignorance that I did most. Somehow I think I’m lack of that. Lack of understanding the things that a girl want most. I always make it as simple as possible. But the truth is the simplest thing to me is the most complicated for others.

“Yes I understand”. But do I really understand that? I don’t even know. What I know is when I see the changes in face expression or voice, I will stop talking. I’m afraid it might hurt if I continue talking. But that is not the thing I’m afraid most.

What I’m afraid most? I afraid that history will repeat itself. I’m afraid that if I wait so long that I will lose. Yes I have experience on that. I’ve waited so long, long enough to make me realized, “why do I have to wait anymore?” It’s useless.

To a friend, thanks for the advices and thanks for listening to me.

To you. Yes you. I know you will read this. Bear with me. In the process of learning (yes I’m still new), I tend to make mistakes and somehow make you angry. Do tell me what’s wrong and what’s not. My feelings are real and I’m not playing with that. We got times to improve ourselves day by day, you and me.

‘When the time comes, it will happen naturally. Now we are fretting over silly matters but who knows what tomorrow brings?’

Who knows? Allah knows surely. That’s why I pray and eagerly waiting for tomorrow. XD

 

 

 

p.s: Malam tadi punya la banyak benda nak cakap, nak tulis. Tapi tertidur. Bangun tidur habis lupa semua. Well itulah aku. Kalau aku marah/sedih/risau/tak puas hati etc, suruh je aku tidur. Surely lepas bangun hilang semua. Barang yang lepas biarkan ia berlalu. Eceh lempang kang.

p.p.s: Quote di atas adalah sebahagian transkrip perbualan antara aku dengan besfren. Untuk full transkrip hendaklah memohon perkenan beliau dahulu. Weh seriously, yang last tu mmg advice paling berguna penah ko bg kt aku. Haha.

p.p.p.s: Aku rasa post kali ni post jiwang. Adess. Apekah? Dalam hati ada taman la ni. Pfft~

Ready to move on

This morning, I did something unexpected. Yeah. For the first time I confess to someone that I like her. Seriously. And I felt really embarrassed after that.

That’s not the point. The point is, I’m ready to move on. It’s been years and I’ve never been able to recover. Yes, when I’m talking about move on and recover I meant You-Know-Who. (You have to read my blog from the beginning. Literally from beginning)

I met her in unexpected place. Yes it’s all about unexpected. But now there’s a problem. I said those thing when she currently in a process of breaking up. Is that mean that I’m too early? But really what I feel right now is I’m being too rush. Or a simple word “tak sabar-sabar”.

I don’t know what’s she thinks about me right now.

But yeah. It happened. I’m not expect too much after this. I did say those words. And I can’t take it back because I really mean it. What’s done is done. Maybe it’s just a beginning.

And I’m ready to move on. This time really moving on.

p.s: Aku tak tau nk buat camne dgn situasi aku. Nasihat orang boleh tp time kena kat diri sendiri mmg hampeh. Kalaulah arwah ada lagi… Yeah ‘kalau’. I need someone to talk to. Yeah someone please…

p.p.s: This morning seperti ayat di atas berlaku sejurus selepas subuh. Pfft~ Aku rasa sgt gila. Arrghh!!

p.p.p.s: FIRST TIME YAW!! First time tu. And she didn’t believe me. I didn’t believe myself either. Pfft~~~

Updating

Honestly aku malas nak update. Rasa nak biarkan je blog ni bersawang. Tapi ada orang cakap jangan malas. So dengan rajinnya dan untuk kesekian kalinya aku meng-hapdate blog ini.

 

 

And aku tak tau nak cakap apa.

Oh dem.

 

 

Later la. Pfft~

A year after

It's been a year.

Yeah, a year.

Dear God~

It's been a year.

p/s: sori lately post2 yg emo... so much things happened for the last 12 months (especially sebulan lepas) and i have no one to talk to... and it kills me!