Sleep

Monday 28th July 8.00pm - Tuesday 29th July 5.00am = Spending all my precious night at UM Observatory. Taking data and observing sky. Lucky the weather was good. The best part is taking images of Eagle Nebula and Trifid Nebula, mostly Eagle Nebula. And skipped chemistry class in the morning. Can't afford to open my eyes anymore. Haha.

Today I have to go there again. Well, this is part of my final year project. So, I need to sleep now so that I won't be too sleepy at night. Hmm... :(

Feelings

Hmm... nk start camne ek?

Dah lame tak blogging... so rase awkward lak... huhuh..

Cite die camni (haha.. abis la gune ayat yg paling dibenci by seniors)... Actually a lot of things happened here in 4th... byk sgt... sampai rase malas lak nk amik kesah... and today, ade interview jawatankuasa kerja perkembangan... honestly... aku rase sgt sedih..
sedih sbb tinggalkan JKPAI camtu je... sedih sgt.. tp at the same time rase marah gak.. tak tau la.. the feelings mix together... and baru je tadi balik dari tmpt interview bdak2 junior... for all the JKP's la.. and time tgk diorang tgh interview budak2... rase sebak pon ade (aiseh.. sentimental la plak).. tak tau nk ckp camne... tp bile tgk diorang... especially bdak2 junior... semangat gile diorang... rase cam "ruginye tak join"..."nape aku takde semangat cam diorang?"...
teringat time junior dulu... kene interview ngan kak shanta kumari... she's one of the best ajk JKPAI of all.. time tu die tanye whether nk join JKP lain or stick to JKPAI... coz time tu ade 5 JKP.. and only JKPAI tmpt aku pegi interview... JKP lain tak minat.. haha... and luckily I got accepted... and from there I develope my feelings towards JKPAI.. mmg sayang sgt... as if ajk JKPAI tu sendiri my own brothers n sisters...
during my 1st n 2nd year... i learned a lot from JKPAI... learn about how to organize programs.. belajar cara berorganisasi... how to speak to people.. how to deal with them.. byk la... from one project to another...
I still remember during my 1st year... 1st project yg join Pertandingan Debat Dwibahasa Ala Parlimen Piala Naib Canselor.. pastu handle program/aktiviti for Japanese Class, Career Day... byk la..
and time 2nd year... dilantik jd pengarah projek Pertandingan Forum Bahasa Melayu Institusi Pengajian Tinggi... the highest position ever yg penah aku pegang... dpt jalan-jalan satu Malaysia time join PROSPEK... gerai Festival Aidilfitri.. majlis buka puasa bersama TNC HEP... byk gak la aktiviti yg join... mmg syg sgt kt JKPAI.. sanggup join itu ini semata2 pasal JKPAI... sayang sgt smpai pointer drop... luckily tak teruk sgt...
until one day... not one day la... more to suatu episode yg memilukan.. huhuhu... smpai la satu episode tu... mmg time tu marah gile2... siap menyumpah seranah lg.. dlm hati la.. and after that i made a decision... da taknak join JKPAI lg... tawar hati dah... serius... ego aku lg tinggi kot time tu...
and tak penah aku rase semarah camni... sampai bende yg aku sayang sgt2... dah cam family... sgy sgt family tu.. terpaksa aku korbankan... demi ego dan maruah aku.. hahaha..(ayat nk jiwang).. tp btol la.. ego kot...
and now... aku da cam layang2... tp terputus tali... terbang mane ndak.. huhuhu... da takde da kengkawan yg bleh gelak ketawa time meeting.. coz da takde meeting yg perlu aku attend.. hahahaha... dah takde bende yg aku boleh banggakan... time kuar 4th ni nnt takde la aku bleh ckp.. "aku dulu join JKPAI sepanjang dok kat 4th"... now it's just a memory..

so.. for all ajk JKPAI yg bace blog ni... i'm so so sorry... mmg dlm ati tu nk berbakti lg kt JKPAI... mmg ade deep in my heart... tp apakan daya... ego aku menguasai kot... sori sgt coz from now on.. i'm just gonna watch u guys.. so.. bimbinglah adik2 junior so that JKPAI akan kembali kpd zaman kegemilangannya.. trust me.. u guys can do it... and last.. i have no regret of joining JKPAI... u guys da cam my own family... hope the relationship lasted forever...

and to JKPAI... thanks for teaching me everything... i have learned a lot.. from zero to hero.. thanks a lot...







~Let me leave JKPAI with a sweet memory. It's the best thing ever happen to me~

Seriously

Seriously...
I am not in mood to write a new post.
Can someone invent a gadget that can do two jobs simultaneously?
Reading my mind and write it into this laptop.
Because too many things in my mind.
Lingering and circling through my head.
And I don’t know which one can I focus on as a top priority.
Seriously...
I’m going crazy.
Seriously...

Chance

November, December, January, February, March, April...

I'd never thought that I will blog again... It's just too odd. It's been like 6 months since my last post. Yeah, nearly half a year. But something made me blogging again. Hahaha.

Tp kekadang tu mmmg rase malas tol nk blogging. Dunno why. Time nk blogging je mesti ade bende tak kene. Like something try to stop me from blogging anymore.

Skarang pon da lupe nk tulis ape. But one thing for sure. I will be gone for good. Hahaha. Wanna run away from here. And God helped me. I've got the chance to get away from here. Well, not forever la.. Just few days je.. And esok i mean this morning la, nk g pejabat imigresen buat pasport. Mmg da nekad dah.. Nak lari dari sini.. Too much drama.. Hahaha..

Tp tunggu je la dulu. Insya-Allah jadi.

And one more thing for sure... I'VE GOT TO IMPROVE MY ENGLISH!!! Gosh.. Can somebody help me?

Bad Day

Dear Blog,

I feel very sad today. I think I'm gonna cry. I didn't do very well in one paper. It's Quantum Mechanics. Well, the questions didn't tough or hard as I thought, but I don't know why. I can't really answer them all. Too many empty spaces left behind.

I really feel down. Yeah. One reason because 'last minutes' revise. And I stayed all night. Makes me a tired.

But one thing I kinda regret is the fact that I can't answer them properly. Not that I don't understand the question, I understand but I lost. It's all mixed up in my mind. This topic, that topic. I forgot how to start, what will I do next and so on. The question aren't tough at all. It's almost the same in the tutorials that the lecturer gave, and I had them done. The question now -how can I forgot that!!!- It's a big-stupid-foolish mistake.

But I think this is a test for me from God. Yeah. I made lots of mistakes. Human... only remember God when they're in difficult times. But easily forget when given bless by Him.

My mistake. I accept it. O God. Please forgive me. I made mistakes to You, to my parents. Please give me chances to improve myself.

Now, I just have only two more paper. And I hope that I can do it very well. At least maybe it can cover my pointer for this semester.

*Shamim!! Jangan malas!! You have to study!! Or you'll get more warning letter from JPA!! Bangun!! Pegi study!! Just 2 more paper!! Fighting!!*

*sigh*

Updating~

Dear Blog,

Too many things in my mind right now. But I don't know how to start it. Really, my fingers feel numb.

Many things make me nervous, anxious, jealous etc etc. If I have a time machine now, I would like to travel back. Fix all the unfixed things, do all undone things.

But right now, all I feel is blank... nothing...

I don't know. I can't study at all!! My exam is around the corner. But everytime I tried to, something will come up.

I hate myself!!! *sigh*

Merdeka!

Dear Blog,

It's been a long time. Too many things to do.

But it's not late to wish Merdeka rite? Hahaha.

Actually I have nothing to write. Hmm... thinking of study makes me crazy. Just look at my subject :

1. Understanding Computer in Mathematics (Exel & Mathlab... ok la.. quite easy)
2. Quantum Mechanics (gosh, God knows how tough it is.. even the smartest kid in physics also surrender. Seriously, I have no idea what it is about. Hahaha.)
3. Mathematical Methods (learning math but at the same time applied physics in it... quite tough)
4. Statistical Physics (statistics? guess they have to change the name...)
5. Electricity and Magnetism (ok so far... dunno la)
6. Instrumentations (ok kot?..)
7. Microprocessor and Microcomputer Lab (programming and LINUX... dunno what experiments that I've done)

See... 7 subject but only 6 papers to take in exam. Only 6? Hahaha. Only the craziest person will take this much. Adding 'few' activities in college. Seems that I am crazy... Aaaaa~

As for me, I'm not merdeka yet. Not until 2009. Or maybe 2010. Depends. *sigh*

Maybe....

Dear Blog,

Maybe I should back off,
Maybe aku patut undur diri,
Maybe aku patut kembali kepada siapa aku yang sebenarnya,
Maybe I shouldn't involve in this kind of "war",
Maybe I should hide myself,
Hide from this chaos,
Hide from this "war",
Hide from everyone,
Become the true me.

Deep in my heart, aku rase bende ni takkan berjalan. Everyone have no intentions in this thing. Everyone so busy preparing for "war". So, before I get myself in the middle of this, maybe I should back off. Well, that's good for me I think. Playing part as an observer. Play safe orang ckp. But don't mess up with me. Once I'm mad, I'll fight 'till the end.

Maybe this is the end. But for now, it's better to wait and see.

As Every Dark Cloud Supposedly Has A Silver Lining

Dear Blog,

Lately aku rase sgt depressed. Depressed and frustrated. Since balik kolej about 3 weeks ago, I can't even enjoying a free night so that I can study. I dreamt that this session is free-activity session. Not involving too much project and activities. But tak sampai seminggu dok sini pon dah banyak nak kene join. Being "Papa Unicorn"(which not very enjoying) and after that jadi AJK for JKPAI(Jawatankuasa Perkembangan Akademik Dan Intelektual). Ok la kalau jadi AJK tu. Tapi yang aku kureng senang tu kene jadi pengarah projek debat. Bukan kurang senang la, ish, susah nak explain.

But for sure I know myself. And I think that I can't take this position. Yeah, my self-esteem is quite low and I'm kinda anti-social. Well, sort of. Tak tau la, rase macam I'm not meant for this position. Aku ni bukan jenis yang pandai mengarah pon. Boleh diarah tapi tak sure boleh mengarah. Hehehe. Pelik kan.

And aku rase bende nih la yang paling banyak buat aku depressed. Aku rase cam low sangat. Kawan aku pon cakap die pon still doubt that I can do well in this position. Ntah la, rase cam die ckp tu mmg betul. Nak wat camne, bende betul kene la terima. Dah tu yang bentuk diri kite.

Sebenarnye baru je abis meeting dengan pengurusan kolej pasal bende debat nih. And ape yang aku fikirkan betul terjadi. Projek nih dlm KIV(Keep In View) or pending status for peruntukan budget and Master approval. Tak tau la. Time meeting tadi mmg aku dapat rase orang sume pandang aku. And the look is like memperkecilkan kredebiliti aku as a director. Bukan orang kat dalam board room tu je. Aku rase sume orang kat kolej nih camtu. Cam diorang tak caye aku bleh buat bende nih. Well, nak buat camne. Maybe diorang shock kot tetibe je name aku naik padahal before this tak ramai pon kenal aku.

Tak tau la camne nak buat lagi. Master suruh betulkan balik and think other solutions. But now in my mind I have nothing to think to. There's so much thing I wanna do than thinking the solutions. Esok boleh hantar buku kat library balik. Pastu boleh balik rumah. Tengok TV, main ngan Mokhsin, Orked ngan Monti (sayang, Kyo ngan Yuki dah mati kene langgar kereta). Takyah nak pening-pening fikir bende nih.

Sekarang nih it's up to Pengerusi JKPAI untuk fikirkan penyelesaiannya. As for me, aku dah malas dah. Kalo die still nak aku jd director, maybe aku akan terima (try something new and completly opposite dengan perwatakan aku). Hahaha. Insya-Allah kalau diberikan amanah, aku akan laksanakan dengan sebaik mungkin. Tapi buat mase nih, baik aku reconsider back.

Rase malas la nak involve dalam apape aktiviti lagi. Cukup la ngan bende nih je. Tu pon da buat aku kelam kabut. Tak dapat stay pon takpe. But hopefully dapat stay la. Malas la nak travel jauh2.

Ok la. There's loads more thing I want to say, but just simpan dalam ati je la. Bak kate Saipul, "aku tak percayakan sesape pon sekarang nih". In fact, aku tak pernah percayakan sesiapa pon. Bukan sekarang je, dari dulu lg aku tak pernah percayakan orang 100%. And aku tak rase aku akan percayakan orang sampai bila2. Even die kawan baik aku skalipon. But as every dark cloud supposedly has a silver lining. Harap ade hikmah disebaliknya.

A Brand New

Dear Blog,

I stumbled across one of my friend yesterday. Actually my friend's little brother. And guess what... Ade ke die kate aku gemok? WTH??!! Okay... Maybe aku nih tembam sket... Tapi tak gemok ek. But still ape yg die ckp tu terngiang-ngiang kat kepale aku.... Wuwuwuuuuu... Aku tak gemok la. "Membesar" sket ade la. Nih sume sebab kat kolej la nih. Almost every night I eat at least two times. Two times tau tak... And berat semakin bertambah.

Tak tau la. But lately I eat when I feel frust or depress. Solving problem with eating. That's a nice way!! And look what happen to me now. Balik cuti je sume ckp aku da gemok. Pipi tembam la, perut besar la, tangan cam batang pisang la... Ish... Satu sem berat naik 7 kilo... Kire ok la tu.. Tu pon berat skarang nih blom capai BMI. Jauh bebeno...

Makan... Bile aku teringat die aku akan rase kecewa and frust and aku akan makan. Camne nih. I still can't forget her. Everyday I keep thinking about her.

Hmm... It's getting more complicated. The more I try to forget her the more I keep thinking about her. Dah tak tau nak buat ape lg dah ni.. Ape yg aku bleh buat is just keep living. Teruskan hidup..

Result dah kuar and Alhamdulillah pointer naik la sket. Sket je tak byk. That's not the best. I expect dapat tinggi lg but dah dpt camni nak ubah camne lg... Kene la struggle lagi sem depan. Dah la Quantum Physics ngan Electomegnetic killer subject. Waaaa.... Ngan result camni camne la nk survive... Nak sambung Master pon rase susah...

But now this is me. A little bit chubby. A brand new me. Maybe cuti nih berat susut sket kot. Tapi takpe la.. Lain dari aku yg dulu... Physically different but mentally the same. I think... Especially when it comes to You Know Who~